Friday, February 12, 2010

How it lingers...

The mind works in strange ways. Things you had forgotten, had forced from your mind can come back unbidden, unprompted. It can catch you completely off guard and unbalance your entire day.

I know my own personal experience with this has been brutal. My wife and I have both had affairs and I have flashes of remembering the things she said to me and the things I did to her, in both instances. Her affair is more than three years old and I didn't really find out about it until last year. It hurt to find out the truth, hurt like nothing else I have ever experienced before in my life. Since then, memories of what went on three years ago have gradually been washed back to the surface. It's been a struggle, but after talking to her about it, it seems to have subsided. I was hesitant to talk to her about my thoughts, because I know how it feels when she talks about the things we went through during my affair.

My affair was much more recent, not even 6 months ago. We have talked about everything that happened, everything that lead to it. It's been an excruciatingly painful process for her and I have tried to help her through it as best I can. Sometimes, I simply do not know what to say. Sometimes, it catches me by surprise and I come off short. I want her to know that it's not her fault.

Excuses don't work for things like this. There is no 'because' or 'if only' or 'but' in these situations. I own my actions and am responsible for her pain. It is not something I am proud of and looking at my own morals and personal integrity I do not understand myself how I got so far offtrack.

I am thankful that she stayed. I am thankful for her standing by me and having the courage to tell me everything that happened between her and her affair. As painful as it was, it all happened for a reason. Do I regret what happened? Of course. I wish more than anything that I could take such things back. However, the experience has opened our communication (though I still struggle with this) and helped us explore our own interests both in and out of the bedroom, to the point where I feel that I know her better now than I ever have.


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