Stuff of Substance

I was introduced to substance abuse at the age of nine. Though my dad drinks, he rarely did so. My mother smoked cigarettes for 30 years before finally quitting when I was about twelve. She was on anti-depressants and nerve pills for a while, but I was too young to remember those days. I was blessed with parents who were not strung out, were not abusive. My brother and I were raised by caring parents in a relatively peaceful home environment.

My brother(we'll call him J) started "huffing" when he was 15. For those unfamiliar, huffing is inhaling the fumes of a substance to get high. Paint thinner. Butane. My brother was soaking a rag in gasoline and putting it in a brown paper sack to inhale. My dad found out and they came to blows. Dad kicked him out. Minutes later my father drove down the road and picked him up. He immediately enrolled him in a rehabilitation clinic to try to help him clean up. In hindsight, my dad has reflected that if he had not tried to be so 'understanding' and just beat his ass for screwing up, maybe things would have wound up differently. I honestly do not think it would have mattered.

After being released from his rehabilitation program, he fell into the same type of crowd. Now he was smoking marijuana, doing mushrooms and acid. This went on for a couple years. When he was 17, my brother's best friend (called M) was shot in a bar fight. Everyone had been drinking, there was an argument. The other guy went to his truck, got a shotgun and blasted M in the leg. J and his friends piled into a pickup and he held his friend's leg in his arms as tight as he could, adding pressure to try to stop the bleeding. By the time they arrived at the hospital, he had lost too much blood. He died soon after.

I know how traumatic this experience was for him. I saw how much it hurt him, how it tore his world apart. I also saw how he dealt with it... or the lack thereof. For nearly the past 20 years my brother has been on one drug or another. He has done cocaine, heroin, LSD, crystal meth, ecstasy, mushrooms, and probably more drugs than I know the name of. He has been in and out of jail, in and out of rehab. My parents have fought for him, cried for him, cried over him. My mother's nerves are shot, she's back on meds. My dad has eleven stints in his heart from stress and is ineligible for a bypass. Of my brother's high school circle of friends... five of seven are dead from drug-related incidents.. two committed suicide.

Currently, he is on methadone... a legal treatment for his addiction to oxycontin. Why they call this a treatment, I don't know... He's been on it for years now and the purpose, I thought, was to ween them off of this crap. Apparently, they listen to him when he says he needs to up his dosage. Of course, the reason they do that is money. There's no money in breaking someone from their substance abuse. They'll stop paying you.

That's not the only thing he does. He still does other drugs, plus his methadone. I've stopped talking to him. I see him at holidays, but otherwise I can't stand to be around him. Not because I don't love him or even that I get disgusted by the things he does. It's because I knew him when he was clean. Not only before he started, but he was clean for 2 years before relapsing. That man was my brother. We hung out, played games, went fishing, whatever. When he is medicated or high, he is fidgety, agitated, aggressive. Oblivious to others around him. His lifestyle lost him his marriage and it constantly upsets his two children who now live between mom and dad. No one breaks promises like an addict.

I know he has a problem. We have tried helping him, for years.. and years.. and years. The only person that can help J is himself now. Several people I know in real life, as well as people I blog and tweet with talk about substances they use. I myself drink liquor on occasion. I try hard not to judge people for illegal substance abuse, but given my past exposure to it and the giant gaping hole it ripped into my family... I find it difficult. I have never touched an illegal substance. I do not say this to brag. It's not a badge of honor for me. It's the side-effect of trauma wound... of having a person I love taken from me. He may still be alive, but he's not the man he was or the man he could have been. He was sober for 2 years after being released from a detention center. Those years were some of the best memories I have of him.

Why do people do this to themselves? To their friends and family? It comes down to selfishness. It's my body, it's my life. I'll do what I want to, don't you dare tell me what I can and can't do. It feels good, it's fun. All my friends do it, everyone I know does it!

Maybe it's time you change friends. Maybe it's time you change lifestyles. Do not be so naive or self-absorbed and think that your actions and what you do only concern you and your little universe. People care about you. Some look up to you. Some depend on you. The only thing that hurts more than hurting someone you love... is knowing that you did.

Some things you just can't measure...

I realize that statistics and studies are how we like to analyze things. We take 1,000 people from XYZ demographics, ask them a series of controlled questions and make conclusions and take notes on the results. We repeat this process throughout an area, a city, a state or a country and get a result we consider to be "as thorough and accurate as possible". We use this data to support our arguments.

This can work effectively for lots of things. How many cars do you own, how many kids do you have (hell that question can be complicated for some), do you own your home, etc, etc. To an extent, relationships and marriage can be measured this way as well. How many have you had? Have you ever been divorced? However, when we start talking about how healthy relationships are, are they meaningful, did you mature or grow as a person or help your partner do so? No. Numbers don't cut it.

Some relationships are meant to end. Some aren't healthy at all yet people continue to willingly submit themselves to the negative attention and\or abuse that they receive. Whether that's a marriage or an open relationship, or just a fling you see occasionally, how would that reflect on a survey or as a statistic?

I support the idea of a healthy relationship, whatever that means for you, whether its monogamy, poly, open, or whatever. I could not function in anything but a monogamous relationship. Hugo Schwyzer wrote a great post on monogamy and I completely agree with this view on things. I know my limits and my rules. I've broken them in the past and reaped the consequences. I've learned and I've grown with my wife through those experiences. Has our relationship always been healthy and happy, a nurturing and growing experience? No, it hasn't. Relationships are hard. They take work, real work and dedication. 

Were we to get divorced tomorrow, I would become yet another statistic to someone saying "monogamy doesn't work" or "we aren't wired for monogamous relationships". However, if you asked me was it meaningful? Was it worth it? This woman has changed my world and my being more drastically and positively than any single person in my life. Put that in your report.

What's in your Erotica?

I was reading through some free submission erotica on a few websites recently and I discovered something. I really kind of hate erotica plot. Most of the erotica I have written are short scenes that give you the briefest of backgrounds so you know just what's going on before things start heating up, as shown in my most recent post The Sitter. However, I'm interested and looking forward to writing longer stories, at least a full-length short story or novella. To do so, your story can't be all sex (unless its merely a series of short shorts) and must have some plot holding it together.

I'm going to do some more perusing, but thus far I have come across mind-jarring dialogue such as...

“What doest thou mean to do with me, defile me? I only wish to be taken to York, for I have an uncle there. He will pay you if thou help me, but not if thou savage me.”

I realize this is akin to me disliking a porn for its script, however, when I read something I expect more... Not being a published author of any kind, I don't have much room to talk but for my personal preference. However, if I ever write something like this... someone... please tell me.

Do you like plot in your porn? In your erotica? Can you stomach badly written or scripted material?

The story I intend to write should be just as engrossing as a creative work as it is as a sexual work. I guess that's my point in this rant. I need sleep.

Pussy Prejudice?

This came across my twit-prompter courtesy of Britni and as it was centered around Liberator, I had to check it out. The blog is an article written about how disgusting and awful it is to be surprised by a woman's pussy. He uses derogatory language and terms such as "sushi queen" to point out things he finds offensive, which include larger labia lips, pubic hair, scent and\or flavor. What the hell? This guy gets laid?

He refers to himself as a "love artist" which totally makes me think of Mystery (that strange guy who thought fuzzy hats and binoculars were accessories) but shows very quickly that he doesn't know a thing about women. He criticizes things that are very natural on any woman and tries to justify himself by saying "Yeah, guys should clean their penis too." The things he says are the equivalent to a woman laughing at him because his cock is too small, or curved, or his balls are too big. Maybe his cum is too salty and makes the girl puke all over his crotch (not that he totally wouldn't deserve it.)

Another major flaw in his 'love art' is he seems wholly focused on what he wants or what he thinks she wants. Rather than trying to be so suave, he should be focusing on her needs, her wants, and talking to her about what she likes. Of course, I am expecting entirely too much from someone who would think less of a woman because her labia are too long.

I left a comment on the blog itself and encourage others to do so. It's still being moderated at the moment, I doubt they'll even post it. I'm also annoyed that Liberator allowed such a post to be put up on their website. It has marred their reputation, that's for sure.


Update: Apparently, everyone's reaction to the blog post got it quickly pulled by Liberator. As it should be. Most of the important parts can still be seen on Britni's post here.